Lessons Learned from an Unfinished Story

About 2 years ago I finally got up the nerve to ask my aunt, who I haven’t seen in 35 years, exactly how many women my dad had actually married in his lifetime. She carefully wrote out each one’s name in order from the first to the last, as if she were writing a grocery list & mailed me the grand total. I had always thought he married about 6 times, so after reading through each name and adding them up, the 9 wasn’t a huge shocker.

He spent his whole life searching, never finding anything or anyone that could fill his emptiness. Taking the time to stop, even just slow down and really look within, scared the crap out of him. And so he never did really figure out his core values & beliefs, what actually mattered to him or what his dreams & passions were. Many attempts were made to find wholeness and happiness through relationship which obviously ended bad time and time again. I always wondered why he bothered marrying. If he knew he’d bail when things got heated or boring even, why not just date multiple women. You’d think after number 4 or 5 he would’ve figured out that marriage may not be one of his strengths.

But now I’m older and as I am trying to understand, not just react to his behavior, I think I finally get it. Every time he met these women he thought that he had finally found it…that one thing or person that would finally complete him and fill the void. And so he gave all he had to each of them. Finding out time and time again that no one else can complete you or make you happy if you’re not already happy or whole within yourself. Alcohol was another way he tried to fill the void . After many years of trying to find happiness, an escape, and sometimes just a sense of momentary peace through drinking, his body gave out from all of the abuse. He died way too young and still so empty.

So the big question…What have I learned from my father?  I’ve learned that I need to know & understand who I am. This is a journey that takes me to my past, demands I be still enough to listen, and allows me to explore all the different sides of me that often seem like a paradox. In the end though they end up working together to make this complex, interesting, wonderfully imperfect me.

I’ve also learned I need to come to my relationships & my life as whole as possible, not expecting anyone or anything to fill the parts of me that feel empty or lacking. We watch movies and hear lines like, “You complete me,” and we melt thinking that’s what we want, to be that one who completes another or to finally find the one who will complete us. After being married 18 years, I have discovered that it’s much healthier to come into a marriage or any relationship really, as whole as possible. That way when the hard times come or your spouse or friends disappoint, and they will at some point because they are human just like you, it won’t completely devestate & destroy you or the relationship. You’ll have a sense of who you are & a wholeness that will allow you to pick yourself up & work on things, instead of having the hard times destroy you because you have no clue of who you are anymore.

In all fairness, I don’t think we’ll ever be able to fully know ourselves, or be totally whole. It’s a journey. We’ll have times when we are more in touch with that than others. Sometimes life takes a toll and we need to step back for a period of time to remind ourselves of the things that matter and who really are or at least want to be. I find myself in one of those regrouping times right now in fact. If I hadn’t seen my dad in all of his striving & searching, I wonder if I would know enough to slow down at certain times, take a breath & reevaluate what it is I’m doing.  So I’ve learned a lot of things from dear ol’ dad.  I wish he had taken a minute to look within to find out and develop who he was. I think he would’ve been surprised at what he found.