In need of an exhale
Sometimes I get in these places where I know I need something to change. I start feeling chaotic, numb, addicted, codependant…really depends on the day, but all of these things I've felt & known. I know I want healing, I don't wanna stay numbed out or dependent on someone or something to make it all be ok. I wanna live free & whole. I just don't know how to get there. And so I throw myself into healthy eating, more discipline, give myself a list of to do's & not do's…I try to gain control of what's seems to be out of control by self help & looking within. It all works for a minute & then I find myself back to the same place weeks, or if it goes well, months later.
I'm learning though that it's in the stillness, in the quiet, in the letting go that I find relief. This is where I can see & hear from God & be given what it is I really need & desire. By nature I do exactly the opposite.
I try to stay busy with work or play, friends or commitments to divert my attention or fill my emptiness, I keep a steady noise...iphones, music, people filling my tank & mind, keeping me feeling full. I hold on tight to the control, thinking that if I don't it'll all spin out of control & then what. I'm learning slowly but surely that the deep longings that keep me spinning are met when I stop trying, stop controlling & stop filling myself with all of the ridiculous things I fill myself up with. When I quiet myself & listen there comes this exhale & feeling that I get no place else. There's nothing that satisfies my soul more than when God speaks to me in the crazy & often unorthodox ways that He does. It's not like I get all of my questions answered, or all of my problems solved on the spot but I do get a peace, comfort & yes, sometimes a very clear word in the midst of the chaos & mess. I'm not sure why I complicate it & turn to everything else other than Him when I know that He's the only thing that will truly satisfy my soul. I'm learning, always learning…
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